They all think any minute I'm going to commit suicide. What a joke. The truth of course is the exact opposite: suicide is the only thing that keeps me alive. Whenever everything else fails, all I have to do is consider suicide and in two seconds I'm as cheerful as a nitwit. But if I could not kill myself -- ah then, I would. I can do without nembutal or murder mysteries but not without suicide.
The quote highlights a complex relationship with the notion of suicide, showing that for the speaker, thoughts of self-harm paradoxically serve as a lifeline. While others perceive the speaker as being on the brink of taking their life, they reveal that the mere contemplation of suicide brings them an unexpected joy, creating a sense of relief and a renewed outlook on life. This irony underscores the complicated emotions surrounding such thoughts, illustrating that they can provide an escape from despair rather than a desire for action.
The speaker's assertion that the thought of suicide is essential to their well-being reveals a struggle with existence itself. The reflection suggests that while life may feel overwhelming at times, the idea of having control over their own fate—choosing to end it—gives them a paradoxical comfort. The absence of this option, they suggest, would lead to a deeper sense of hopelessness. Overall, the quote encapsulates a fundamental tension between despair and the absurdity of finding solace in thoughts that are typically associated with hopelessness.
