David sedaris Quotes - QuotesSweet | quotesweet.com

Author: David Sedaris
Quotes of Author: David Sedaris

David Sedaris _ Me Talk Pretty One Day
Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.
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David Sedaris _ Let's Explore Diabetes with
I thought about this for days, just as I thought of the special-ed teacher I met in Pittsburgh. "You know," I said, "I hear those words and automatically think Handicapped, or, Learning disabled. But aren't a lot of your students just assholes?""You got it," she said. Then she told me about a kid - last day of class - who wrote on the blackboard, "Mrs. J____ is a cock master."I was impressed because I'd never heard that term before. She was impressed because the boy had spelled it correctly.
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David Sedaris _ Me Talk Pretty One Day
what fantasies are for: they allow you to skip the degradation and head straight to the top.
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David Sedaris _ Let's Explore Diabetes with
For to witness majesty, to find yourself literally touched by it - isn't that what we've all been waiting for?
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David Sedaris _ Let's Explore Diabetes with
In his work shirt and underpants, he looked powerful but also cartoonish, like a bear dressed up for a job interview.
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David Sedaris _ When You Are Engulfed in
Oh, for Christ's sake," I hear. "Can we please just try to have a good time?" This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it.
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David Sedaris _ Let's Explore Diabetes with
she was the human equivalent of a storm cloud.
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David Sedaris _ Let's Explore Diabetes with
In 2004, I offered priority {book}-signing to smokers, the reason being that, because they didn't have as long to live, their time was more valuable. Four years later my special treatment was reserved for men who stood five-foot-six and under. "That's right, my little friends," I announced. "There'll be no waiting in line for you." It seemed unfair to restrict myself to men, so I included any woman with braces on her teeth."What about us?" asked the pregnant and the lame. And because it was my show, I told them to wait their f***ing turn.
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David Sedaris _ When You Are Engulfed in
North Carolina is temperate and populated with well-meaning people; therefore I will engage in oral sex with another man.
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David Sedaris _ Holidays on Ice
I said that Santa no longer traffics in coal. Instead, if you're bad he comes to your house and steals things.
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David Sedaris _ When You Are Engulfed in
What they do at 6:00 a.m. is anyone's guess. I only know that they're incredibly self-righteous about it and talk about the dawn as if it's a personal reward, bestowed on account of their great virtue.
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David Sedaris _ Me Talk Pretty One Day
There were no computers in my high school, and the first two times I attempted college, people were still counting on their fingers and removing their shoes when the numbers got above ten.
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