My heart jumped. "Yes. Yes I do. Chris, go on to the Mayo Clinic without me. I'll make out fine, and I swear not to marry anyone until you are back and give your approval. Worry about finding someone yourself. After all, I'm not the only woman who resembles our mother."
He flared. "Why the hell do you put it like that? It's you, not her! It's everything about you that's not like her that makes me need and want you so!
"Chris, I want a man I can sleep with, who will hold me when I feel afraid, and kiss me, and make me believe I am not evil or unworthy." My voice broke as tears came. "I wanted to show Momma what I could do, and be the best prima ballerina, but now that Julian's gone all I want to do is cry when I hear ballet music. I miss him so, Chris." I put my head on his chest and sobbed. "I could have been nicer to him-then he wouldn't have struck out in anger. He needed me and I failed him. You don't need me. You're stronger than he was. Paul doesn't really need me either, or he would insist on marrying me right away. . . ."
"We could live together, and, and . . ." And here he faltered as his face turned red.
I finished for him, "No! Can't you see it just wouldn't work?"
"No, I guess it wouldn't work for you," he said stiffly. "But I'm a fool; I've always been a fool, wanting the impossible. I'm even fool enough to want us locked up again, the way we were-with me the only male available to you!"
"You don't mean that!"
He seized me in his arms. "Don't I? God help me but I do mean it! You belonged to me then, and in its own peculiar way our life together made me better than I would have been . . . and you made me want you, Cathy. You could have made me hate you, instead you made me love you."
I shook my head, denying this; I'd only done what came naturally from watching my mother with men. I stared at him, trembling as he released me. I stumbled as I turned to run toward the house. Before me Paul loomed up! Startled I faltered guiltily and stared at him as he turned abruptly and strode in the opposite direction. Oh! He'd been watching and listening! I pivoted about, then raced back to where Chris had his head resting against the trunk of the oldest oak
He flared. "Why the hell do you put it like that? It's you, not her! It's everything about you that's not like her that makes me need and want you so!
"Chris, I want a man I can sleep with, who will hold me when I feel afraid, and kiss me, and make me believe I am not evil or unworthy." My voice broke as tears came. "I wanted to show Momma what I could do, and be the best prima ballerina, but now that Julian's gone all I want to do is cry when I hear ballet music. I miss him so, Chris." I put my head on his chest and sobbed. "I could have been nicer to him-then he wouldn't have struck out in anger. He needed me and I failed him. You don't need me. You're stronger than he was. Paul doesn't really need me either, or he would insist on marrying me right away. . . ."
"We could live together, and, and . . ." And here he faltered as his face turned red.
I finished for him, "No! Can't you see it just wouldn't work?"
"No, I guess it wouldn't work for you," he said stiffly. "But I'm a fool; I've always been a fool, wanting the impossible. I'm even fool enough to want us locked up again, the way we were-with me the only male available to you!"
"You don't mean that!"
He seized me in his arms. "Don't I? God help me but I do mean it! You belonged to me then, and in its own peculiar way our life together made me better than I would have been . . . and you made me want you, Cathy. You could have made me hate you, instead you made me love you."
I shook my head, denying this; I'd only done what came naturally from watching my mother with men. I stared at him, trembling as he released me. I stumbled as I turned to run toward the house. Before me Paul loomed up! Startled I faltered guiltily and stared at him as he turned abruptly and strode in the opposite direction. Oh! He'd been watching and listening! I pivoted about, then raced back to where Chris had his head resting against the trunk of the oldest oak
( V.C. Andrews )
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