Despite the doctor's orders, I bought myself several cartons of cigarettes {…} I think that I preferred to put myself in serious danger rather than confront my shame. My shame at not having become someone, the shame of not having made my parents proud after all the sacrifices they had made for me. The shame of having become a mediocre nihilist.
The narrator reflects on their struggle with personal shame, illustrating a conflict between their choices and the expectations placed upon them. Despite being advised by a doctor to quit smoking, they instead indulge in their addiction, revealing a deeper fear of facing their feelings about their life choices and failures.
This shame encompasses feelings of inadequacy regarding their achievements and their inability to fulfill their parents' dreams for them. The narrator feels like a mediocre nihilist, caught between societal pressures and personal disillusionment, signifying a profound emotional turmoil that drives their self-destructive behavior.
