He didn't remember the very first time he actually died very well. It wasn't as bad as remediation, but he remembered being afraid and worried… and when he found himself alive again a few hours later with Mearth's wild green eyes peering down at him, he remembered still being afraid and worried. It was strange, he thought, to be afraid of being alive… but being alive was worse than being dead in his mind.
The protagonist reflects on his experience of dying, recalling a vague sense of fear and worry during the event. Though it was not as unpleasant as a previous ordeal he faced, the memory of that initial death remains unsettling. When he finds himself alive again, he is confronted once more by those feelings of anxiety, particularly as he looks into the eyes of Mearth. This complex emotional state reveals a troubling perspective where the fear of living overshadows even the fear of death.
This notion of being afraid of life itself challenges conventional views on existence. The protagonist grapples with the ambiguity of living versus dying, suggesting that, for him, existing in the world carries a weight that sometimes feels more oppressive than the finality of death. Such reflections reveal deeper themes of anxiety and the struggles of facing life after experiencing its end, making the reader ponder the true nature of fear and existence.
