Jealousy always has been my cross, the weakness and woundedness in me that has most often caused me to feel ugly and unlovable, like the Bad Seed. I've had many years of recovery and therapy, years filled with intimate and devoted friendships, yet I still struggle. I know that when someone gets a big slice of pie, it doesn't mean there's less for me. In fact, I know that there isn't even a pie, that there's plenty to go around, enough food and love and air.But I don't believe it for a second.I secretly believe there's a pie. I will go to my grave brandishing my fork.
In her reflection, Anne Lamott shares her ongoing battle with jealousy, which she describes as a deep-seated weakness that has contributed to feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. Despite years of therapy and supportive relationships, these emotions continue to linger. Lamott recognizes the irrationality of her feelings, understanding that the success or love gained by others doesn't diminish her own worth. Yet, she admits to holding onto the belief that there is a limited supply of happiness, akin to a pie that one needs to compete for.
Lamott's metaphor of brandishing a fork signifies her struggle with this mindset, illustrating how difficult it is to let go of the notion of scarcity in love and acceptance. Even as she acknowledges the abundance of resources—like love and opportunities—her internal battle persists, reflecting a profound human experience. She invites readers to consider their own feelings of jealousy and the misconceptions that fuel such beliefs, suggesting that personal growth is a journey filled with awareness and challenge.
