The interest I felt in certain guys then confused me, because it wasn't romantic, but I wasn't sure what else it might be. But now I know: I wanted to take up people's time making jokes, to tease the dean in front of the entire school, to call him by a nickname. What I wanted was to be a cocky high-school boy, so fucking sure of my place in the world.
The narrator reflects on their past feelings towards certain boys, expressing confusion about these emotions. They realize that their interest wasn't romantic, but rather a desire to engage and perform in a social setting. They wanted to be playful and mischievous, to interact with peers and authority figures in a bold manner.
This realization highlights a longing for confidence and a carefree high-school experience. The narrator's wish to embody a cocky, self-assured persona underscores a deeper desire for acceptance and belonging during formative years. They yearn for the freedom to joke around and enjoy life without the anxieties that often accompany adolescence.
