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Book: Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim
Quotes of Book: Dress Your Family in Corduroy
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  1. David Sedaris _ Dress Your Family in Corduroy

    The two of you grew apart,' my mother would say. She made it sound as if we'd veered off in different directions, though in fact we had the exact same destination. I just never made it.
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  2. David Sedaris _ Dress Your Family in Corduroy

    The fetus was minute - a congregation of loitering cells - and as with anything that informal, there was a good chance that it might disperse.
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  3. David Sedaris _ Dress Your Family in Corduroy

    I might reinvent myself to strangers, but to this day, as far as my family is concerned, I'm still the one most likely to set your house on fire.
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  4. David Sedaris _ Dress Your Family in Corduroy

    What if I'd wasted my entire life comparing myself with people who didn't really matter? Try as I might, I still can't wrap my mind around it.
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  5. David Sedaris _ Dress Your Family in Corduroy

    She knew what my mother did not: either you want a clean floor or you want to use a mop, but you can't have both.
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  6. David Sedaris _ Dress Your Family in Corduroy

    My sister has appendages connected to her ankles. They feature toes and arches, but I cannot call them feet. In color they resemble the leathery paws of great apes, but in texture they are closer to hooves. In order to maintain her balance, she'll periodically clear the bottoms of debris-a bottle cap, bits of broken glass, a chicken bone-but within moments she'll have stepped on something else and begun the process all over again. It's what happens when you sell both your broom and your vacuum cleaner.
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  7. David Sedaris _ Dress Your Family in Corduroy

    That's the problem with wishes, they ensnare you. In fairy tales they're nothing but trouble, magnifying the greed and vanity of the person for whom they are granted.
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  8. David Sedaris _ Dress Your Family in Corduroy

    You've got her mad now and there's no turning back. All she has to do is go to the authorities, saying you molested her. Is that what you want? One little phone call and your life is ruined.' 'But I didn't do anything. I'm gay, remember?''That's not going to save you,' she said. 'Push comes to shove and who do you think they're going to believe, a nine-year-old girl or the full-grown man who gets his jollies carving little creatures out of balsa wood?' 'They're NOT little creatures!' I yelled. 'They're tool people!
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  9. David Sedaris _ Dress Your Family in Corduroy

    I had not laid a finger on the boy's head. I have never poked or prodded either a baby or a child, so why did I feel so dirty? Part of it was just my makeup, the deep-seated belief that I deserve a basement room, but a larger, uglier part had to do with the voices I hear on the talk radio, and my tendency, in spite of myself, to pay them heed. The man in the elevator had not thought twice about asking Michael personal questions or about laying a hand on the back of his head. Because he was neither a priest nor a homosexual, he hadn't felt the need to watch himself, worrying that every word or gesture might be misinterpreted. He could unthinkingly wander the halls with a strange boy, while for me it amounted to a political act - an insistence that I was as good as the next guy.
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  10. David Sedaris _ Dress Your Family in Corduroy

    People who have nothing to prove offer practical baby gifts: sturdy cotton rompers made to withstand the cycle of vomit and regular washing. People who are competing for the titles of best-loved aunts and uncles - people like my sisters and me - send satin pants and delicate hand-crafted sweaters accompanied by notes reading "P.S. The fur collar is detachable.
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  11. David Sedaris _ Dress Your Family in Corduroy

    I looked from face to face, exaggerating flaws and reminding myself that these boys did not like me. The hope was that I might crush any surviving atom attraction, but as has been the case for my entire life, the more someone dislikes me the more attractive he becomes.
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  12. David Sedaris _ Dress Your Family in Corduroy

    My conscience is crosswired with my sweat glands, but there's a short in the system and I break out over things I didn't do, which only makes me look more suspect.
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