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Book: Naked
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  1. David Sedaris _ Naked

    Our neighbors would rise early and visit the malls, snatching up gift-wrapped Dustbusters and the pom-pommed socks used to protect the heads of golf clubs. Christmas would arrive and we, the people of this country, would gather around identical trees, voicing our pleasure with worn clichés. Turkeys would roast to a hard, shellacked finish. Hams would be crosshatched with x's and glazed with fruit - and it was fine by me. Were I to receive a riding vacuum cleaner or even a wizened proboscis monkey, it wouldn't please me half as much as knowing we were the only family in the neighborhood with a prostitute in our kitchen. From this moment on, the phrase "ho, ho, ho" would take on a whole different meaning; and I, along with the rest of my family, could appreciate it in our own clannish way. It suddenly occurred to me. Just like that.
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  2. David Sedaris _ Naked

    I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.
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  3. David Sedaris _ Naked

    the lower bunks, both of us longing to be pinned. "You kids think you invented sex," my mother was fond of saying. But hadn't we? With no instruction manual or federally enforced training period, didn't we all come away feeling we'd discovered something unspeakably modern?
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  4. David Sedaris _ Naked

    The reverend insists we occupy the first pew. He rang us up not long ago, tipsy-- he's a tippler-- saying that our faces brought him closer to God. And it's true, we're terribly good-looking people.
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  5. David Sedaris _ Naked

    You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air-not a care in the world, just grabbing whatever you can get. Yes, sir, you just take and take until you´re ready to burst. But what about giving? Did you ever think about that? Of course not-you´re too busy taking, Mr. Handout, Mr. Gimmee, Gimmee, Gimmee.
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  6. David Sedaris _ Naked

    The whole notion of the nursing home was something dreamed up by people like my mother; American women with sunglasses, always searching for their tanning lotion or cigarette lighters."
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  7. David Sedaris _ Naked

    Someone in our family had taken to wiping his or her ass on the bath towels. What made this exceptionally disturbing was that all our towels were fudge-colored. You'd be drying your hair when, too late, you noticed an unmistakable odor on your hands, head, and face.
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  8. David Sedaris _ Naked

    The thing to remeber is that more than anything in this world, these colored people wish they were white.
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  9. David Sedaris _ Naked

    You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholic, am I right?
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  10. David Sedaris _ Naked

    the beauty of an art school: as long as you can pay the tuition, they will never, even in the gentlest way, suggest that you have no talent.
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  11. David Sedaris _ Naked

    The thought of killing myself had slowed me down to five miles per hour. The thought of killing someone else stopped me completely.
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  12. David Sedaris _ Naked

    What are you, tap dancing up there? You want a put on a show, do you? Well, the theater's closed for the night. Take your act on the road; it's four o'clock in the morning,goddamnit."
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