Unemployment insurance is a pre-paid vacation for freeloaders.

My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.

A wedding is such a girl thing.

Whatever one thinks of the wisdom of building a mosque near Ground Zero, this controversy now affords us an immense opportunity to examine who we are as a people. It provides us with the opportunity...

You can't stop demographics. And show me a fence that ever worked. It didn't work at Hadrian's Wall. The Great Wall of China didn't work. The Berlin Wall.

We aren't cool and never will be.

Looking back, there is nothing wrong with that peace, love and equality that the hippies espoused. In many ways, we have regressed because they were into organic food, back to nature, make love not...

Well, it's a humor strip, so my first responsibility has always been to entertain the reader... But if, in addition, I can help move readers to thought and judgment about issues that concern me, so...

Upper classes are a nation's past the middle - class is its future.

It has been discovered experimentally that you can draw laughter from an audience anywhere in the world of any class or race simply by walking on a stage and uttering the words "I am a married man."

Even the kids, behind the slice of streetscape floating in the glass, had mastered the art of pretending not to see.

To survive in a corrupt country, you need to be the son of a king or be king yourself.

What makes you think that people with other types of clothes are special? I can go to the shop, buy such clothes, and what? Now I am important?

I smiled at him. America, I said quietly, just like that. What is it? The sweepings of every country including our own. Isn't that true? That's a fact.

A newspaper is an oversized book with adverts and an expiry date.

McDonald, who was known to hate policemen, was once approached by two cops for a two-dollar donation. "We're burying a policeman," one of them said, to which Mike responded, "Here's ten dollars. Bury...

"The culture of power versus the power of culture," he quoted. "One side always loses."

Where I grew up, women's liberation was when you let a chick out of her cage for 15 minutes so she could stretch her legs.

They say the crazies come out at night. I say the crazies come out during election year: Elections have the power to turn once seemingly normal people into certified loonies.

To the victims of homophobia, patriarchy, street harassment and intolerance: don't worry, we'll put a lid on Muslim immigration. There

I don't think that women ought to sit down at table with men. It ruins conversation and I'm sure it's very bad for them. It puts ideas in their heads, and women are never at ease with themselves when...

Her latest client is Professor Desmond Curnin, a university professor who teaches library sciences to large groups of students. He's quick to pay on-time, quick to never fall behind. He's a...

"It's called Two and a Half Men," Dermot was telling his guest. "I understand," Bellenos said. "Because the two brothers are grown, and the son isn't." "I think so," Dermot said. "Don't you think the...

Never, ever ask a former clergyman to say the blessing over a holiday dinner. Not if you like your dinner warm, anyway.

Driving like a man is one of her few foibles.

You get into trouble the way debutantes get into ball gowns.

Today for show & tell, I've brought in some flash cards I made. Each card has a letter followed by several dashes. When I show the card, you yell out the vulgar, obscene or blasphemous word they stand...

Murder often doesn't unsettle a man. In Baltimore, it usually doesn't even ruin his day.

"I can be smart when it's important," she replies, "but most men don't like it."

His name was Clifton and he was black and they shot him. Isn't that enough to tell? Isn't it all you need to know?