I'm sure my father said plenty of normal things to me when I was growing up, but...

I'm sure my father said plenty of normal things to me when I was growing up, but what stuck, probably because he said it, like, ten thousand times, was "Everything you touch turns to crap." His other catchphrase was "You know what you are? A big fat zero."
Excerpt From: David Sedaris. "Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls." iBooks.