{B}ecause of all his previous attempts to integrate with the rest of society and what he had learned about himself through them - he wanted to be who he was, not the person he would become if he lost the one trait that distinguished him from everybody else, no matter how perverse that decision seemed to others.
In "Excession" by Iain M. Banks, the character grapples with the complexities of identity and societal integration. Having made numerous attempts to fit into society, he reflects on the lessons learned from those experiences. Ultimately, he decides to embrace his unique traits, even if they set him apart from others in a way that may seem counterintuitive. This decision underscores his desire for authenticity over conformity, showcasing a struggle between personal identity and the pressures to change.
This internal conflict highlights the notion that self-acceptance can sometimes lead to isolation, yet the character values his individuality above societal expectations. His choice to retain what differentiates him, despite potential judgment from others, emphasizes a profound commitment to self-identity and the courage it takes to remain true to oneself. Through this narrative, Banks illustrates the complex relationship between the individual and the collective, prompting readers to consider the significance of personal truth in the face of external pressures.