But it was not only a feeling of guilt which drove him into danger. He detested the pettiness that made life semilife and men semimen. He wished to put his life on one of a pair of scales and death on the other. He wished each of his acts, indeed each day, each hour, each second of his life to be measured against the supreme criterion, which is death. That was why he wanted to march at the head of the column, to walk on a tightrope over an abyss, to have a halo of bullets around his head and thus to grow in everyone's eyes and become unlimited as death is unlimited. . .
In the pursuit of authenticity and significance, the character grapples with a deep sense of guilt that propels him toward perilous experiences. He is disillusioned with the mundane aspects of existence that render life and humanity superficial. Driven by a desire for meaningfulness, he contemplates the weight of his life in contrast to death, seeking to ensure that his actions hold value.
This yearning manifests in his aspiration to confront danger directly, allowing each moment of his life to be measured by the ultimate standard of death. He envisions himself leading with courage, embracing the peril of existence to achieve a sense of greatness and limitlessness akin to death itself. Through this perspective, he seeks to elevate himself in the eyes of others, striving to transcend the trivialities of everyday life.