For a long time, there was grief. It pulled me down into suffocating darkness, and kept me anchored there. I went through the motions. I turned up at school. I ate food and watched TV and took algebra tests. But I didn't feel anything. It was easier that way.
This quote vividly captures the profound experience of emotional numbness. When immersed in grief or pain, it's not uncommon to retreat into a state of emotional shutdown, where day-to-day activities become automatic routines rather than expressions of genuine feeling. The speaker describes a period where life feels like it's happening detached from emotional engagement—a protective mechanism perhaps designed to shield oneself from more intense suffering. The act of 'going through the motions' signifies a sense of disconnection from one's own feelings, a form of dissociation or emotional armor that can sometimes be necessary for survival during overwhelming times. The description of activities like attending school or doing algebra tests underscores how normalcy can become a mask, hiding the internal turmoil. This numbness might offer temporary relief, but also deepens the sense of isolation, making the person feel anchored in darkness, unable to reach out or find relief. The quote resonates with many who have experienced grief or depression, reminding us that these periods of emotional numbness are complex states that reflect an attempt to cope, but they also highlight the importance of compassionate support and acknowledgment of one's inner pain. Recognizing this state is crucial, as it signals the need for healing and connection to move beyond the darkness and rediscover what it means to truly feel engaged with life again—embracing vulnerability as a path towards recovery.