I thought if only I had a keen, shapely bone structure to my face or could discuss politics shrewdly or was a famous writer Constantin might find me interesting enough to sleep with. And then I wondered if as soon as he came to like me he would sink into ordinariness, and if as soon as he came to love me I would find fault, the way I did with Buddy Willard and the boys before him.
The speaker reflects on their insecurities and feelings of inadequacy regarding their attractiveness and intellect, wishing for a more striking physical appearance and the ability to engage in stimulating political discussions to catch Constantin's interest. They ponder the possibility that these attributes might make them more appealing and significant in the eyes of others, particularly to someone they desire.
As the speaker contemplates their relationship with Constantin, they express a fear...
