If I could open a vein. Not to inject any shit, I will never weaken like that again, but just to feel the kick of it, the old memory. So this numbness lifts. So I could get back there easier.
In Joyce Carol Oates' novel "Man Crazy," the speaker expresses a desire to reconnect with intense emotions that have faded over time. They long for a visceral experience that would break through their current numbness, indicating a battle with emotional suppression. The metaphor of opening a vein illustrates a yearning for a potent rush of feeling, one that transcends the superficiality of their present state.
The reflection on not using substances again highlights a commitment to avoiding past mistakes while still craving the thrill of raw emotion. This internal conflict reveals a complex relationship with pain and pleasure, showing that despite the risks, the speaker seeks to reclaim a lost part of themselves. The quote encapsulates the struggle to navigate between seeking emotional highs and the desire for a healthier existence.