It was like being asleep when you were awake and awake when you were asleep. I'd pinch myself, figuratively speaking - I had to keep pinching myself. Then I'd wake up kind of in reverse; I'd go back to the nightmare I had to live in. And everything would be clear and reasonable.
The quote captures a profound sense of disorientation experienced by the protagonist, conveying a struggle between reality and nightmare. The individual feels as if they are living in a dream state, where the boundaries between awake and asleep blur. This feeling creates a persistent need to bring themselves back to reality, leading to a painful cycle of awareness and denial.
The imagery of "pinching" to awaken from a slumber mirrors the character's attempts to confront their inner turmoil. The second part of the quote suggests that returning to their nightmarish reality provides a sense of clarity that is oddly comforting but also troubling. It reflects a complex relationship with their own consciousness, where the darkness of reality becomes more rational compared to the confusion of their dreams.
