Not much to her credit to go through her life thinking, Well, good, now that's over, over. What was she looking forward to, what bonus was she hoping to get, when this, and this, and this, was over? Freedom––or not even freedom. Emptiness, a lapse of attention. It seemed all the time that she was having to provide a little more––in the way of attention, enthusiasm, watchfulness––than she was sure she had. She was straining, hoping not to be found out. Found to be as cold at heart as that Old Norse, Sophie.
The passage reflects a sense of disillusionment and a longing for something meaningful beyond mere existence. The character appears to be trapped in a cycle of simply enduring life, questioning what lies ahead and the purpose of her efforts. Instead of looking forward to freedom or fulfillment, she feels emptiness, which suggests a lack of engagement with life and its possibilities.
This individual experiences a constant pressure to put forth more effort than she feels capable of, revealing her inner turmoil and fear of being seen for who she really is. The comparison to Sophie, described as having a cold heart, highlights her own feelings of emotional barrenness. This suggests a broader commentary on the human experience of navigating expectations and the search for genuine connection amidst an underlying sense of unease.