As a comedian and satirist you have to be neutral, because everyone's fair game. Once you show bias, you lose that.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Now, Richard Pryor was unique. Many misunderstood his humor. He lit up the hallway, but they didn't understand his use of profanity. He didn't use it just to be using it; he used it in the context of...

President Obama smoked so much pot in college he never learned to spell. Which is why he's confusing the word "ruining" the country with "running" the country.

She's been, but she's coming back, he said. I expect her every minute. Ah! there she is. This was rather stupid of Stephen. He ought to have guessed that Lucia's second appearance was officially...

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why, Cause Santa Claus might put a cap in your ass.

As you know, the International Poker Tour, by its own admission, knows very little about poker games, one of which ended tragically last week when an IPT-sanctioned tournament aboard a yacht in...

In some cases, it is the woman's stomach - not her heart - that has left her man for another.

That is nonsense. If I marry a charming girl like Gwendolen, and she is the only girl I ever saw in my life that I would marry, I certainly won't want to know Bunbury....

I've never understood one thing: Why do all these megalomaniac dictators, secret societies, mad scientists, and totalitarian aliens want to rule the world? I mean really? Don't they know what a pain...

I am with the Hot Sexy Banking Corporation. As all the other banks are going bust, they are just getting bustier.

Baldrick: Have you got a plan, my lord? Blackadder: Yes I have, and it's so cunning you can brush your teeth with it!

"Listen, Peaches, is what humans are all about," said the voice of Maurice. "They're so keen on tricking one another all the time that they elect governments to do it for them."

Crowley had been extremely impressed with the warranties offered by the computer industry, and had in fact sent a bundle Below to the department that drew up the Immortal Soul agreements, with a...

opened the vial of holy water and dumped it in with the wipes. I could practically see the ad campaign: Blessed be your baby's bottom … Now with Aloe!

It's just too bad they have to die. They're totally bangable, you know? Bangable, Taylor mouthed in disgust. She wanted to show this boy another meaning for the word bang, and it involved his head...

My father is an equal opportunity bigot. He wouldn't deprive a man of his rights. And he's not a hate-filled man. He simply knows in his heart that Italians are superior, that stereotypes were created...

"... I hid myself between two leaves of sorrel, and there discharged the necessities of nature."

Meanwhile, the poor Babel fish, by effectively removing all barriers to communication between different races and cultures, has caused more and bloodier wars than anything else in the history of...

Satire is a lesson, parody is a game.

As much as I think about sex, I can only with extreme difficulty conceive of myself actually performing the act. And here's another thing I wonder about. How could you ever look a girl in the eye...

...in the worst of circumstances, the hypocrite who pretends to be good does less harm than the public sinner.

Invisible things are the only realities.

... the sea pirates who had the most to do with the creation of the newgovernment owned human slaves. They used human beings for machinery, and, evenafter slavery was eliminated, because it was so...