I'd even refuse to go to school when I was at primary age, and if you look at any class photo with me in it I'm always the kid with his hand in front of his face, or turning away from the camera.

All the family gatherings, I'm too tired, or I can't because it conflicts with work... I have seven grandkids. I've been missing recitals and graduations. To me, it's just not worth it. There is a...

When I have these negative thoughts and feelings, I like to dig into them because I like to get under them and see what's in there.

I never moisturized until I got skin cancer. It totally changed my opinion on moisturising. I used to think using a face protector was a bit of a girly thing, now I've worked out it's actually...

Art Nouveau drew inspiration from nature. The Bauhaus drew inspiration from engineering.

I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

I am actually a bit chubby, and I eat everything. I eat in a way - if my parents fed me the way I choose to eat as an adult, they would've lost custody.

That's another piece of advice: Don't go to college; follow your dreams. Unless you're a doctor - then go to college.

Part of me has always wanted to be like Marilyn Monroe or any Fifties Hollywood starlet. On screen, they seemed so sexy and simple and looked after. In real life, I'm none of those things. But I'd...

You could have a room full of the best comedians in the world and, for some reason, Chris Farley would take the cake. He was that good, just naturally. God's gift.

As a comedian and satirist you have to be neutral, because everyone's fair game. Once you show bias, you lose that.

I just feel like every kid is growing up too fast and they're seeing too much. Everything is about sex, and that's fine for me. I'm not saying I don't like it. But I don't think it should be...

Those women with collagen lips just look like frogs - 'muffin mouths,' I call them. There's not a line on their brows, and all the emotion gone from their faces, like all those actresses in 'Desperate...

What skills I lacked in, say, math or science, I like to think I made up for in my ability to read people and situations with great clarity. I therefore considered myself as a sort of valued...

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

When you're writing these things, you're in a room making each other laugh, you really have very little sense of political correctness or incorrectness. This is a question that Europe tends to ask and...

My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I'm doin' something different. I mean, I talk a little bit about race and interracial dating, but it's not the heart of my act. I just try to do what I think is funny; there's no huge message or...

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

The idea of having a steady job is appealing.

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.

If you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy and colorful and lively.