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Home Page » Categories » Comedian

Art Nouveau drew inspiration from nature. The Bauhaus drew inspiration from engineering.

P. J. O'Rourke
Art Nouveau drew inspiration from nature. The Bauhaus drew inspiration from engineering.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

George Burns
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

Jack Benny
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

Part of me has always wanted to be like Marilyn Monroe or any Fifties Hollywood starlet. On screen, they seemed so sexy and simple and looked after. In real life, I'm none of those things. But I'd...

Katherine Ryan
Part of me has always wanted to be like Marilyn Monroe or any Fifties Hollywood starlet. On screen, they seemed so sexy and simple and looked after. In real life, I'm none of those things. But I'd rather be fierce and complicated.

As a comedian and satirist you have to be neutral, because everyone's fair game. Once you show bias, you lose that.

Bill Bailey
As a comedian and satirist you have to be neutral, because everyone's fair game. Once you show bias, you lose that.

I just feel like every kid is growing up too fast and they're seeing too much. Everything is about sex, and that's fine for me. I'm not saying I don't like it. But I don't think it should be...

Ellen DeGeneres
I just feel like every kid is growing up too fast and they're seeing too much. Everything is about sex, and that's fine for me. I'm not saying I don't like it. But I don't think it should be everywhere, where kids are exposed to everything sexual. Because they have to have some innocence; there's just no innocence left.

Those women with collagen lips just look like frogs - 'muffin mouths,' I call them. There's not a line on their brows, and all the emotion gone from their faces, like all those actresses in 'Desperate...

Barry Humphries
Those women with collagen lips just look like frogs - 'muffin mouths,' I call them. There's not a line on their brows, and all the emotion gone from their faces, like all those actresses in 'Desperate Housewives.'

What skills I lacked in, say, math or science, I like to think I made up for in my ability to read people and situations with great clarity. I therefore considered myself as a sort of valued...

Dan Levy
What skills I lacked in, say, math or science, I like to think I made up for in my ability to read people and situations with great clarity. I therefore considered myself as a sort of valued soothsayer when it came to dispensing opinions to my friends about their life choices or relationships.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

Rodney Dangerfield
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

Mitch Hedberg
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.

Les Dawson
My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Groucho Marx
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

George Carlin
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

Demetri Martin
But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

If you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy and colorful and lively.

Mel Brooks
If you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy and colorful and lively.
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Today Birthdays

1953 - Tim Gunn 1805 - Alexis de Tocqueville 1883 - Benito Mussolini 1878 - Don Marquis 1966 - Martina McBride 1953 - Ken Burns 1869 - Booth Tarkington 1914 - Irwin Corey 1974 - Gail Simone 1930 - Paul Taylor 1906 - Diana Vreeland 1963 - Caroline Paul 1953 - Geddy Lee 1925 - Ted Lindsay 1974 - Josh Radnor 1938 - Peter Jennings 1963 - Alexandra Paul 1987 - Genesis Rodriguez 1977 - Danger Mouse 1942 - George Kaiser 1956 - Ronnie Musgrove 1993 - Dak Prescott 1952 - Patrick Soon-Shiong 1953 - Patti Scialfa 1959 - Sanjay Dutt 1951 - Samuel J. Palmisano 1981 - Fernando Alonso 1989 - Marlen Esparza
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