For life has worn me down: continual uneasiness, concealment of my knowledge, pretense, fear, a painful straining of all my nerves-not to let down, not to ring out … and even to this day I still feel an ache in that part of my memory where the very beginning of this effort is recorded, that is, the occasion when I first understood that things which to me had seemed natural were actually forbidden, impossible, that any thought of them was criminal.
In "Invitation to a Beheading," Vladimir Nabokov conveys a profound sense of personal struggle and disillusionment. The protagonist reflects on a life marked by persistent uneasiness and the burden of concealing his true self. This experience is characterized by various forms of pretense and fear, leading to an overwhelming strain as he attempts to navigate through a world that forces him to suppress his authentic thoughts and desires.
The ache in his memory signifies the moment of realization when he first recognized that what he considered natural knowledge was, in fact, deemed forbidden and criminal. This awakening not only highlights the internal conflict he faces but also underscores a broader commentary on the oppressive nature of societal norms and the psychological toll they can impose on individuals who struggle to reconcile their inner truths with external expectations.