God killed my little sister. That's right, Lev. A little girl, suddenly sick and dead. Everything He touches is destroyed. Casagemas, Apollinaire, Eva, Max Jacob. How do you worship Him, Lev? He's the true destroyer. Satan works out in the open, cards on the table. He gives it to you straight, no games. God plays at sweetness and goodness, and kills you. Who's worse, Satan or God? Satan at least has the decency to show us his real face. So I pay God back with my paintings.
The speaker expresses deep anguish over the loss of his sister and questions the nature of God, claiming that everything God touches ultimately leads to destruction. He reflects on the suffering caused by divine forces, contrasting God’s perceived benevolence with the straightforward maliciousness of Satan. This leads him to wonder who is truly more harmful, suggesting that Satan, despite his evil, at least reveals his true self, making it easier to confront. The frustration with God’s hidden destructiveness complicates the speaker’s relationship with faith.
In response to his pain and disillusionment, the speaker channels his emotions into his artwork. By creating paintings, he feels he is repaying God for the loss he has suffered. This act of creation stands as a form of resistance against the perceived cruelty of God. While grappling with his feelings of betrayal and grief, he attempts to find meaning and solace through his art, turning his deep sorrow into a tangible expression of his struggle with faith and existence.
