How would I explain to him that I couldn't make peace with him? How would I explain that if I did I would immediately lose my inner balance? How would I explain that one of the arms of my internal scales would suddenly shoot upward? How would I explain that my hatred of him counterbalanced the weight of evil that had fallen on my youth? How would I explain that he embodied all the evils in my life? How would I explain to him that I needed to hate him?
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The narrator grapples with the profound struggle of reconciling their feelings towards a person who symbolizes their deepest pain and misfortunes. They feel that making peace would disrupt their emotional stability, as their hatred serves as a fundamental balance in their life. This internal conflict highlights the complexity of their relationship with this individual, who represents all the wrongs experienced throughout their youth.
Understanding this dynamic, the narrator questions how to convey their need for hatred without diminishing the weight of their suffering. This enmity becomes a crucial counterbalance that allows them to navigate their past traumas. In essence, the narrator's hatred is not merely a personal vendetta but a vital part of their identity and coping mechanism, essential for maintaining a fragile sense of self amidst the chaos of their memories.
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