In this excerpt from Miriam Toews' A Complicated Kindness, the narrator experiences a profound awakening about their existence for the first time. They realize their mortality and understand that life could end completely, leading to an intense awareness of death as eternal darkness rather than a spiritual afterlife. This realization becomes a central element of their personal philosophy, heightening their appreciation for life despite its inevitable end.

"It was the first time in my life that I had been aware of my own existence...and I want that day back. I want to be nine again and be told, Nomi: someday you'll be gone, you'll be dust, and then even less than dust. Nothing." This reflection expresses a longing for innocent ignorance and a desire to embrace life's impermanence. The narrator finds a strange comfort in accepting that life is the only reality, urging oneself to love the world just as it is, knowing its fleeting nature.