Last night I wept. I wept because the process by which I have become woman was painful. I wept because I was no longer a child with a child's blind faith. I wept because my eyes were opened to reality....I wept because I could not believe anymore and I love to believe. I can still love passionately without believing. That means I love humanly. I wept because I have lost my pain and I am not yet accustomed to its absence.
In her diary, Anaïs Nin reflects on a moment of deep emotional turmoil, revealing the complexity of her journey into womanhood. She describes the pain associated with her growth, lamenting the loss of her childhood innocence and blind faith. This transition has opened her eyes to harsh realities, leading her to weep for the disbelief that replaced her earlier convictions. Her tears signify a struggle between the longing for belief and the acceptance of a more human, albeit complex, form of love.
Nin expresses a bittersweet realization: while she can still experience passionate love, it is now devoid of the simple certainties of her youth. She acknowledges a sense of loss—not just in faith, but also in the pain she has carried. With the absence of this pain, she finds herself in unfamiliar territory, grappling with her emotions and the new landscape of her identity as a woman. This reflection encapsulates the profound changes inherent in personal growth and the conflicting feelings that accompany such transformations.