Looking down, she became aware of the water, which was covered with a film of calcinous hard-water particles of dirt and soap, and of the body that was sitting in it, somehow no longer quite her own. All at once she was afraid that she was dissolving, coming apart layer by layer like a piece of cardboard in a gutter puddle.
The main character experiences a profound moment of self-awareness while observing her reflection in a murky pool of water. The surface is tainted with dirt and soap, symbolizing her troubled state of mind and disconnect from her identity. As she gazes down, she realizes that the body she sees is not fully hers, which induces a deep-seated fear of losing herself and dissolving into nothingness, akin to cardboard disintegrating in a gutter.
This imagery reflects her internal struggle and anxiety about personal identity and autonomy. The muddied water serves as a metaphor for her feelings of entrapment and the complexity of her existence, highlighting the tension between selfhood and societal expectations. The fear of dissolution encapsulates her thoughts on self-perception and the challenges of maintaining a coherent identity in a world that feels overwhelming.