There was an incident with some boys in the woods, and suddenly, I was stuffing my face with Twinkies or ordering a pizza late at night, trying to fill this ragged, ugly thing inside me that couldn't be filled or quieted. I ignored my parents and their worry entirely. All I wanted to do was eat. My body grew, became more significant, more noticeable and more invisible at the same time. Most important, though, the bigger I made my body, the safer I felt. Bad things, I'd decided years earlier, could not happen to big bodies. I was not necessarily incorrect in my thinking. Eating was, in part, a survival instinct.
In an episode from Roxane Gay's "Bad Feminist," the author reflects on a troubling experience from her youth that drove her to overeating. Faced with distress, she turned to comfort food like Twinkies and late-night pizzas, using food as a means to cope with an emotional void. Despite her parents’ concerns, she sought solace through eating, becoming increasingly aware of the physical changes in her body that made her feel both larger and more invisible.
Gay highlights an intriguing connection between body size and feelings of safety. She believed that a larger body could provide protection from harm, creating a sense of security that was otherwise lacking. This need to satisfy her hunger went beyond mere appetite; it was intertwined with feelings of vulnerability and the instinct for survival, suggesting that her struggles with food were rooted in deeper emotional issues.
