Yes, there are moments, particularly in the afternoon, when I go all syncretist, à la Rein-hold. What equilibrium! But even them, my pains, I understand ill. That must come from my not being all pain and nothing else. There's the rub. Then they recede, or I, till they fill me with amaze and wonder, seen from a better planet. Not often, but I ask no more. Catch-cony life! To be nothing but pain, how that would simplify matters! Omnidolent! Impious dream.
In the passage, the author reflects on moments of clarity, particularly in the afternoons, when he experiences a mix of thoughts and emotions. He describes these instances as a form of equilibrium, though he struggles to fully comprehend his pain. This confusion suggests that he is more than just his suffering; there’s complexity in his existence. Often, his pain diminishes, allowing him to observe it from a different perspective, filled with wonder rather than despair.
The author expresses a desire for simplicity, contemplating how life would be if it consisted solely of pain. He finds this notion both alluring and blasphemous, as it implies a reduction of life to mere suffering. Instead of wholly embracing this 'omnidalent' state, he recognizes the value in the moments when he can step back and reflect on his experiences. This introspection offers him a chance to gain insight, rather than being consumed by his pain.
