You cynical shit, he told himself. Then he started to weep. Don't be so fucking sentimental, Crake used to tell him. But why not? Why shouldn't he be sentimental? It wasn't as if there was anyone around to question his taste.Once in a while he considered killing himself-it seemed mandatory-but somehow he didn't have the required energy. Anyway, killing yourself was something you did for an audience, as on nitee-nitee.com. Under the circumstances, the here and now, it was a gesture that lacked elegance. He could imagine Crake's amused contempt, and the disappointment of Oryx: Perhaps he failed to take seriously his own despair.
The protagonist grapples with his feelings of cynicism and melancholy, reflecting on the idea of sentimentality in a world void of witnesses. He recalls Crake's harsh dismissal of emotional vulnerability, questioning whether there is any harm in embracing his feelings, as he is alone in his thoughts. This internal conflict leads him to contemplate suicide, seeing it as a dramatic act traditionally intended for an audience, yet he recognizes a lack of energy and motivation that keeps him from taking that route.
This consideration of death reveals a deeper struggle with despair and the perception of his own emotional state. He imagines the reactions of Crake, who would likely mock him, and Oryx, whose disappointment he fears. His reluctance to end his life stems from a desire for a more profound, meaningful expression of his suffering rather than one that seems trivial or lacking in grace given his circumstances.
