I have no fear of God, and yet fear keeps me awake at night,fear of the devil. And if I believe in the devil, I must believe in God. And if evil is abhorrent to me, I must be a saint.Henry, save me from beatification, from the horrors of static perfection. Precipitate me into the inferno.
In her unexpurgated diary, Anaïs Nin reflects on her complex relationship with faith and fear. She expresses a profound ambivalence towards the concepts of God and the devil, acknowledging that her fear of evil keeps her awake at night. This realization leads her to confront the implications of her beliefs; if she acknowledges the existence of the devil, it necessitates a belief in God as well. She grapples with the moral dilemmas that arise from her understanding of good and evil.
Nin further explores her discomfort with the idea of perfection, which she associates with beatification and a static state of being. She embodies a desire to escape the constraints of such perfection by longing for experiences, even if they lead her to the metaphorical inferno. Through her vivid introspection, she reveals her inner struggle with the expectations placed on her as a woman and a writer, seeking liberation from the confines of societal norms and a yearning for authentic existence.
