Since then, whenever I make new acquaintances, men or women with the potential of becoming friends or lovers, I project them back into that time, that hall, and ask myself whether they would have raised their hands; no one has ever passed the test: every one of them has raised his hand in the same way my former friends and colleagues {willingly or not, out of conviction or fear} raised theirs. You must admit: it's hard to live with people willing to send you to exile or death, it's hard to become intimate with them, it's hard to love them.
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The narrator reflects on the difficulty of forming close relationships after experiencing betrayal in the past. Whenever they meet someone new who could become a friend or romantic partner, they mentally revisit a moment from their past where they witnessed former acquaintances reveal their true colors. This reflection reveals a consistent pattern; the new individuals would likely respond similarly to the old friends who chose to abandon the narrator during a critical moment.
This realization complicates the narrator's ability to connect deeply with others. Acknowledging that those around them could easily turn against them, whether from genuine belief or sheer fear, creates a barrier to intimacy. It emphasizes the psychological struggle of wanting to love and be loved while carrying the weight of past betrayals, leading to an inherent distrust in potential friendships or romantic relationships.
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