Sometimes she would cry. I was so lonely, she'd say. You have no idea how lonely I was. And I had friends, I was a lucky one, but I was lonely anyway.I admired my mother in some ways, although things between us were never easy. She expected too much from me, I felt. She expected me to vindicate her life for her, and the choices she'd made. I didn't want to live my life on her terms. I didn't want to be the model offspring, the incarnation of her ideas. We used to fight about that. I am not your justification for existence, I said her to once.I want her back. I want everything back, the way it was. But there is no point to it, this wanting.
The reflection captures a poignant moment of understanding between the speaker and her mother, who often expressed her loneliness despite having friends. This deep loneliness creates a gap in their relationship, emphasizing how, even in the presence of others, one can feel isolated. The speaker acknowledges moments of admiration towards her mother while recognizing the strain in their dynamic due to conflicting expectations. She feels burdened by her mother's desire for her to justify the choices made in her life.
The speaker grapples with the desire to reclaim the past, longing for the days when their relationship was simpler and more fulfilling. However, she recognizes the futility in this yearning, as it cannot change the present reality. The tension between wanting to honor her mother's life and the desire for personal autonomy creates a complex emotional landscape that reflects the struggles of familial love and individual identity.
