The triggering event and resulting shame is worse than being rejected because rejection assumes a path by which to return to acceptability. The fear involved in shame is of permanent abandonment, or exile. Those who see our reprehensible core will be so disgusted and sickened that we will be a leper and an outcast forever.
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The quote highlights the deep emotional impact of shame compared to rejection. Rejection allows for the possibility of regaining acceptance, but shame carries a burden of fear that one may be permanently cast out. This suggests that the experience of shame is more traumatic, as it conjures up feelings of being irreparably broken and unworthy of connection.
Allender emphasizes that the fear associated with shame is not just about the loss of acceptance but also about the dread of being seen as fundamentally flawed by others. The idea of being viewed with disgust leads to the belief that one is forever doomed to live as an outcast, suffering from the repercussions of their past, particularly in the context of childhood trauma.
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