My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.

This fucking city is full of nothing but thugs, money grubbing porn-bitches, and hustlers. I'm calling the police." Ex fumed as he struggled to pull his cell from his pocket. If Syn weren't so damn...

If consultants followed their own advice, they wouldn't tell anyone.

Sometimes, you're the one who strikes it lucky. Sometimes, it's the other poor bastard who's left with the short straw, and you just have to shut up and get on with it.

I pound on the glass, screaming my head off. Everyone ignores me except for some Capitol attendant who appears behind me and offers me a beverage.

Very clever but dumb at shooting... dumb as a person but clever at shooting. That's LOGIC!

"We piled aboard the small chopper and after a bit of map pointing to the pilot we lifted off. "I love the RAF," said Jed."I love them too, sir," said I. After a short flight the chopper landed. We...

Her latest client is Professor Desmond Curnin, a university professor who teaches library sciences to large groups of students. He's quick to pay on-time, quick to never fall behind. He's a...

If you have always suspected your sister of an inclination to madness, it will be my pleasure to confirm your worst fears.

It's like a government agency that really works.

On reflection, though, it struck her as dishonest, like serving people ice cream on their first night at the fat farm. Hey, have some more hot fudge! You're gonna love it here at Camp Lose - a - Lot!

The law, we are told, is what makes us men under God instead of beasts in the ditch

"Why, you mean you didn't get abducted and dragged across country purely to make us a story for us to chew over endlessly?" asked Pip, tossing his shock of tow-colored hair indignantly. "The nerve!"

And if a diversion is needed, why not arrest a general? Arthur Dillon is a friend of eminent deputies, a contender for the post of Commander-in-Chief of the Northern Front; he has proved himself at...

I think sometimes people think cheerful is a synonym for dumb, so no one is ever cheerful.

The Lethean Library, for all its incalculable volumes, is, I know, sadly incomplete without Mr. Goodman's effort.

O young girl, throw yourself again into the water so that I might have a second time the chance to save the two of us! A second time, eh, what imprudence! Suppose, dear sir, someone actually took our...

Spiders and sowbugs and beetles and crickets, Slugs from the roses and ticks from the thickets, Grasshoppers, snails, and a quail's egg or two- All to be regurgitated for you....

I'm being ironic. Don't interrupt a man in the midst of being ironic, it's not polite. There!

When Maimonides says that the Messiah will come but that 'he may tarry,' we see the origin of every Jewish shrug from Spinoza to Woody Allen.

He led them around the base of a great fallen tree whose exposed roots resembled more than anything else a huge broom - a broom that would have fired the imagination of Rachel the Dragon toward...

That was his mother. When she wasn't crying over the breakfast cereal, she was laughing about killing herself.

It is a tragicomic fact that our proper upbringing has become an ally of the secret police. {...} The "Tell the truth!" imperative drummed into us so automatically that we feel ashamed of lying even...

We've known for a long time that it was no longer possible to overturn this world, nor reshape it, nor head off its dangerous headlong rush. There's been only one possible resistance: to not take it...

But you see, a rich country like America can perhaps afford to be stupid.

I come by my alarmism honestly. I have learned this custom over the years as I have settled into being a true New Yorker. This is how we welcome foreigners to our shores. Because we are so often...

...You know, one good apple can spoil the rest, Colonel Korn concluded with conscious irony.

It is sometimes easier to be happy if you don't know everything.