It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.

I don't think Bond does too much; he's just suave and sexy. He rolls out with his martini and fancy cars. Wow, it sounds like my life already.

It is not hard to understand modern art. If it hangs on a wall it's a painting, and if you can walk around it it's a sculpture.

I used to love dogs until I discovered cats.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

I eat tons, three full meals a day, and I never go to the gym. When I was a child, my geography teacher said, 'You may be slim now but if you carry on eating like that, you'll end up being really...

The Americans love Aussies, but they're actually quite afraid of us at the same time because they think we're insane. Then they see our sports - league, union, and AFL - and that makes them even more...

I like working on stories where I can explore the darker corners of childhood without illustrations but with humor.

I think that humor is part of what saves us from despair.

Well, it's a humor strip, so my first responsibility has always been to entertain the reader... But if, in addition, I can help move readers to thought and judgment about issues that concern me, so...

Humor can alter any situation and help us cope at the very instant we are laughing.

And does he like blondes, as well?' Rob laughed. I had forgotten just how great a laugh he had. 'No, he prefers dark-haired women. You've nothing to fear from the Sentinel, Nicola.

I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls would never dream of doing - like showering.

I am sorry to say there is too much point to the wise crack that life is extinct on other planets because their scientists were more advanced than ours.

It has been discovered experimentally that you can draw laughter from an audience anywhere in the world of any class or race simply by walking on a stage and uttering the words "I am a married man."

If at first you don't succeed you're running about average.

Arguing with my wife is like this: "I came! I saw! I concurred!"

Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food.

you might be a redneck

Now that he was semidressed, I recovered enough to say, Not really. But I guess if you want me to hold a conversation with you, you should keep your clothes on. He gestured for me to follow him...

Thanks to Scoop, I've learned a lot about how the male mind works, and as a result I've been having nightmares for months.

I like your opera - I think I will set it to music

This was a lucky recollection - - it saved her from something like regret.

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.

If you plug in a number and the math starts getting creepy {anything involving fractions or negative numbers is creepy}...

The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.

"Here's your first problem," he said, pointing at a sentence. "'Religion is the opium of the people.' Well, I don't know about people, but I think you'll find that the opium of pirates is actual...