There've been times when I've bought a whole pound of cheese and walked down the street and eaten it in one go.

I can't believe I did a peace sign on TV - like Ringo Starr!

All my life I made a living out of hurting people. Now, I make a living out of making people laugh.

You know, we don't look much alike, but Denzel Washington would make a great sports agent.

Nothing makes me laugh more than farting.

Long story short: E. L. James is a hero.

Rarely do pens go dry in restaurants.

My aunts still try to fatten me up.

I'll be Spider-Man. I'm just kidding, I love Tom Holland.

Rock bands are not exactly magnets of functional people.

Thank you, yard sales, for being the perfect way to say to your neighbors: 'We think we're important enough to charge money for our garbage.'

Sean Penn's really the only one stupid enough to put anything down on paper.

I had been laughed at my whole life through school, and I never really thought of it as a vocation. I mean, I started off as a soldier, and then I went into the university thinking I was going to be a...

Hey, I'm not a politician. I'm a ham. I love to give speeches.

I dressed as the Riddler once, when I was little too heavy to do. I would wear tights. My brother was in a hair metal band, and he had Riddler tights made. My brother's a geek, but he was in a heavy...

Virtually any practical task becomes chaos within seconds of me getting near it.

Yes, Data is hairless but I am not. And we are both anatomically correct.

I wrote a letter to the CIA on my manual college typewriter. I mailed it to CIA with my resume. I didn't have an address. So I just put, 'CIA. Washington, D.C.'

It's almost embarrassing how much support I have. I mean, I always tell people I feel like I'm perfectly set up to have cancer. I have great health insurance, I have a savings account. I have work...

Carrot Top... I gave him advice once and he ran with it. He should thank me.

My friends joke that I raised the Titanic and never left the Rockies.

The me on '8 Out Of 10 Cats' is the side I'd show to my mates.

Maybe I am a little bit of a clown, but I am also a serious sportsman.

I have been married twice, but both of my wives have been too bright to be sucked in by women's lib.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.

The best definition of an immortal is someone who hasn't died yet.

Nietzsche claimed that his genius was in his nostrils and I think that is a very excellent place for it to be.

My mom was really good at swearing growing up.

I made my kids into Viking fans, so they will carry their misery with them, too. A little disappointment in life goes a long way.

Like, my house has a nice view, because, you know, I was on 'Friends.'