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Home Page » Categories » Humor

I like banks because they keep my money safe, but I don't want to talk about banks 12 times a year.

Carol Bartz
I like banks because they keep my money safe, but I don't want to talk about banks 12 times a year.

Our trouble is that we drink too much tea. I see in this the slow revenge of the Orient, which has diverted the Yellow River down our throats.

J. B. Priestley
Our trouble is that we drink too much tea. I see in this the slow revenge of the Orient, which has diverted the Yellow River down our throats.

Ike runs the country, and I turn the pork chops.

Mamie Eisenhower
Ike runs the country, and I turn the pork chops.

I don't sing. If I could sing or dance, I would have done something really gross in a G-string by now - when I wasn't working and was desperate - and ruined my career.

Jason O'Mara
I don't sing. If I could sing or dance, I would have done something really gross in a G-string by now - when I wasn't working and was desperate - and ruined my career.

Taste is one of the five senses, and the man who tells us with priggish pride that he does not care what he eats is merely boasting of his sad deficiency: he might as well be proud of being deaf or...

E. F. Benson
Taste is one of the five senses, and the man who tells us with priggish pride that he does not care what he eats is merely boasting of his sad deficiency: he might as well be proud of being deaf or blind, or, owing to a perpetual cold in the head, of being devoid of the sense of smell.

My theory is that I'm just closer to the sun than everyone else. I weigh more than everyone else, I'm taller than everyone else. When it's really humid and hot outside it's going to take a bigger toll...

John Isner
My theory is that I'm just closer to the sun than everyone else. I weigh more than everyone else, I'm taller than everyone else. When it's really humid and hot outside it's going to take a bigger toll on me.

He's a couple sandwiches short of a picnic.

Lance Bass
He's a couple sandwiches short of a picnic.

I've been delivering these little homilies since 1980 - that's 37 years - and altogether, NPR statisticians tell me, my bloviation total is 1,656 commentaries - and I trust you've hung onto every...

Frank Deford
I've been delivering these little homilies since 1980 - that's 37 years - and altogether, NPR statisticians tell me, my bloviation total is 1,656 commentaries - and I trust you've hung onto every word.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

George Burns
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

Jack Benny
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

I have an inability to enjoy things, but that's why we're in comedy. If we were happy, we wouldn't be funny, I guess.

Paul Feig
I have an inability to enjoy things, but that's why we're in comedy. If we were happy, we wouldn't be funny, I guess.

I'll promise to go easier on drinking and to get to bed earlier, but not for you, fifty thousand dollars, or two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars will I give up women. They're too much fun.

Babe Ruth
I'll promise to go easier on drinking and to get to bed earlier, but not for you, fifty thousand dollars, or two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars will I give up women. They're too much fun.

To be an Instagram model, you absolutely cannot just post pictures of yourself in a bikini for the sake of people seeing you in a bikini - even if that is exactly what you are doing. No, you need to...

Kat Timpf
To be an Instagram model, you absolutely cannot just post pictures of yourself in a bikini for the sake of people seeing you in a bikini - even if that is exactly what you are doing. No, you need to caption these photos with an inspirational quote so that people will know that you are not just a butt, you're a gosh dang philosopher.

Jim Gaffigan is someone I've always been a fan of.

Genndy Tartakovsky
Jim Gaffigan is someone I've always been a fan of.

Right now I'm just thinking about school and trying to get those grades and keep them up! In case I become a Norma Desmond when I grow up, I can have something to fall back on!

Anna Chlumsky
Right now I'm just thinking about school and trying to get those grades and keep them up! In case I become a Norma Desmond when I grow up, I can have something to fall back on!

Earned a bachelor's at 27, then an M.F.A. that is still completely unused and in mint condition, never taken out of the box.

Daniel Woodrell
Earned a bachelor's at 27, then an M.F.A. that is still completely unused and in mint condition, never taken out of the box.

I tried being a stay-at-home mom for eight weeks. I like the stay-at-home part. Not too crazy about the mom aspect.

Ali Wong
I tried being a stay-at-home mom for eight weeks. I like the stay-at-home part. Not too crazy about the mom aspect.

He who does not understand a joke, he does not understand Danish.

Georg Brandes
He who does not understand a joke, he does not understand Danish.

I once found myself in Paris, Texas, possibly the most curious juxtaposition of place names in America.

Neil Macdonald
I once found myself in Paris, Texas, possibly the most curious juxtaposition of place names in America.

Picasso had his pink period and his blue period. I am in my blonde period right now.

Hugh Hefner
Picasso had his pink period and his blue period. I am in my blonde period right now.

I'm a little bit anally retentive, a little bit OCD, but a whole lot clean.

Jack McBrayer
I'm a little bit anally retentive, a little bit OCD, but a whole lot clean.

But I prefer to go to comedies. Give me Julia Roberts smiling anyday.

Gabrielle Union
But I prefer to go to comedies. Give me Julia Roberts smiling anyday.

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.

Sam Levenson
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.

As a comedian and satirist you have to be neutral, because everyone's fair game. Once you show bias, you lose that.

Bill Bailey
As a comedian and satirist you have to be neutral, because everyone's fair game. Once you show bias, you lose that.

I just think it would be super cheesy for this Navy SEAL to start singing.

Daniel Lissing
I just think it would be super cheesy for this Navy SEAL to start singing.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

Rodney Dangerfield
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

Mitch Hedberg
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

You know, when you don't go on TV and talk about how many women you sleep with, some people in Hollywood, that are supposedly 'in the know,' start whispering that you're gay. If I were gay, I wouldn't...

Adam Sandler
You know, when you don't go on TV and talk about how many women you sleep with, some people in Hollywood, that are supposedly 'in the know,' start whispering that you're gay. If I were gay, I wouldn't be ashamed to admit it, but I'm not.

My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.

Les Dawson
My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.

I try and eat really healthy when I'm home, but I certainly don't eat worms and snakes.

Bear Grylls
I try and eat really healthy when I'm home, but I certainly don't eat worms and snakes.
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Today Birthdays

1921 - Paul Watzlawick 1954 - Walter Payton 1905 - Elias Canetti 1961 - Illeana Douglas 1924 - Frank Church 1848 - Arthur Balfour 1968 - John Grant 1966 - Christine Quinn 1985 - James Lafferty 1955 - Iman 1979 - Juan Pablo Di Pace 1750 - Henry Knox 1959 - Geoffrey Zakarian 1930 - Maureen Forrester 1976 - Jon Crosby 1967 - Wendy Raquel Robinson 1982 - Brad Renfro
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