I have an inability to enjoy things, but that's why we're in comedy. If we were happy, we wouldn't be funny, I guess.

Earned a bachelor's at 27, then an M.F.A. that is still completely unused and in mint condition, never taken out of the box.

He who does not understand a joke, he does not understand Danish.

I once found myself in Paris, Texas, possibly the most curious juxtaposition of place names in America.

But I prefer to go to comedies. Give me Julia Roberts smiling anyday.

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.

I don't think Bond does too much; he's just suave and sexy. He rolls out with his martini and fancy cars. Wow, it sounds like my life already.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

It is not hard to understand modern art. If it hangs on a wall it's a painting, and if you can walk around it it's a sculpture.

What's David's role? David looks good, that's what David does. David looks good, and I'm the funny one, that's what I hear constantly. But I keep telling him that looks fade.

With my boyfriend, we can make sexist jokes to each other because we know it's absolutely not true. If I get home from a long day and he says: 'Go on, get in the kitchen,' it's funny because we know...

One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening.

If the present Mrs. Wogan has a fault - and I must tread carefully here - if she has a fault, this gem in the diadem of womanhood is a hoarder. She never throws anything out. Which may explain the...

You never monkey with the truth.

A kitten is chiefly remarkable for rushing about like mad at nothing whatever, and generally stopping before it gets there.

I used to love dogs until I discovered cats.

For a time in high school, I had glasses, braces, and a cast. I like to call this look 'no date for homecoming.'

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

An intellectual is a man who doesn't know how to park a bike.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

I eat tons, three full meals a day, and I never go to the gym. When I was a child, my geography teacher said, 'You may be slim now but if you carry on eating like that, you'll end up being really...

We had been to a couple really awkward office Christmas parties, including one at our production company. It's just a really interesting place, an event that hadn't really been captured.

At every Christmas, I fail to remember the daughters' shoe sizes, and they are not growing, but grown. After ostensible hard thought about who needs what, I have failed to give good gifts; I have...

The Americans love Aussies, but they're actually quite afraid of us at the same time because they think we're insane. Then they see our sports - league, union, and AFL - and that makes them even more...

One has to develop a sense of humor to cope.

I like working on stories where I can explore the darker corners of childhood without illustrations but with humor.

Sure, the comedians who swear or use scatological humor can get laughs, but they're uncomfortable laughs.