What do you want me to do, rob a bank?
What we really wanted to call it was 'I Rhoda Book.'
'The Santa Claus' with Tim Allen, I watch it in July. I think he's so funny.
As soon as someone tells me: 'You're rather sexy,' I wish I could disappear. If somebody says: 'You were voted the world's sexiest man,' I have no idea what that means. How do I respond? 'Thank you'...
How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
If Mr. Selwyn calls again, show him up; if I am alive I shall be delighted to see him; and if I am dead he would like to see me.
I like banks because they keep my money safe, but I don't want to talk about banks 12 times a year.
Our trouble is that we drink too much tea. I see in this the slow revenge of the Orient, which has diverted the Yellow River down our throats.
Ike runs the country, and I turn the pork chops.
Human beings can always be relied upon to exert, with vigor, their God-given right to be stupid.
I don't sing. If I could sing or dance, I would have done something really gross in a G-string by now - when I wasn't working and was desperate - and ruined my career.
Taste is one of the five senses, and the man who tells us with priggish pride that he does not care what he eats is merely boasting of his sad deficiency: he might as well be proud of being deaf or...
My theory is that I'm just closer to the sun than everyone else. I weigh more than everyone else, I'm taller than everyone else. When it's really humid and hot outside it's going to take a bigger toll...
He's a couple sandwiches short of a picnic.
I've been delivering these little homilies since 1980 - that's 37 years - and altogether, NPR statisticians tell me, my bloviation total is 1,656 commentaries - and I trust you've hung onto every...
I dress up for awards, but only if somebody else is going to pay for the clothes. And shop for them, too!
I'm more like a spoon symbol. I think women just want to spoon me.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
My man has to be more intelligent than I am, which is difficult to find. He should definitely be more successful than me, which is not so difficult to find. I'd be a fool to expect a better looking...
I thought Beverly Hills was a gated community. I always drove around Beverly Hills because I thought that there's a guard that was going to stop me.
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
I have an inability to enjoy things, but that's why we're in comedy. If we were happy, we wouldn't be funny, I guess.
I'll promise to go easier on drinking and to get to bed earlier, but not for you, fifty thousand dollars, or two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars will I give up women. They're too much fun.
To be an Instagram model, you absolutely cannot just post pictures of yourself in a bikini for the sake of people seeing you in a bikini - even if that is exactly what you are doing. No, you need to...
Jim Gaffigan is someone I've always been a fan of.
Right now I'm just thinking about school and trying to get those grades and keep them up! In case I become a Norma Desmond when I grow up, I can have something to fall back on!
After five kids I have seen it all.
Earned a bachelor's at 27, then an M.F.A. that is still completely unused and in mint condition, never taken out of the box.
I am actually a bit chubby, and I eat everything. I eat in a way - if my parents fed me the way I choose to eat as an adult, they would've lost custody.
I tried being a stay-at-home mom for eight weeks. I like the stay-at-home part. Not too crazy about the mom aspect.
What could you do? Major Major asked himself again. What could you do with a man who looked you...
If I turned towards books, it was because they were the only sanctuary I knew, one I needed in order...
We all had to pay, but not for the crimes we were accused of. There were other scores to settle.
Hope for some means its loss for others; when the hopeless regain some hope, those in power--the...
The Red Lion was a four-ale bar with a handful of lowbrowed sons of toil who looked as though they...
if you don't understand something, you can't approximate it. You're really just guessing.
Why are they going to disappear him? I don't know. It doesn't make sense. It isn't even good...
Keep in mind that when we talk of a great painting we are not really talking about anything great....
Read me back the last line. 'Read me back the last line,' read back the corporal who could take...