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Home Page » Categories » Humor

What do you want me to do, rob a bank?

Barry McGuigan
What do you want me to do, rob a bank?

What we really wanted to call it was 'I Rhoda Book.'

Valerie Harper
What we really wanted to call it was 'I Rhoda Book.'

'The Santa Claus' with Tim Allen, I watch it in July. I think he's so funny.

Patrick Corbin
'The Santa Claus' with Tim Allen, I watch it in July. I think he's so funny.

As soon as someone tells me: 'You're rather sexy,' I wish I could disappear. If somebody says: 'You were voted the world's sexiest man,' I have no idea what that means. How do I respond? 'Thank you'...

Daniel Craig
As soon as someone tells me: 'You're rather sexy,' I wish I could disappear. If somebody says: 'You were voted the world's sexiest man,' I have no idea what that means. How do I respond? 'Thank you' is the best you can do. George Clooney is the world's sexiest man, anyway.

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

Erma Bombeck
How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

If Mr. Selwyn calls again, show him up; if I am alive I shall be delighted to see him; and if I am dead he would like to see me.

Henry Fox
If Mr. Selwyn calls again, show him up; if I am alive I shall be delighted to see him; and if I am dead he would like to see me.

I like banks because they keep my money safe, but I don't want to talk about banks 12 times a year.

Carol Bartz
I like banks because they keep my money safe, but I don't want to talk about banks 12 times a year.

Our trouble is that we drink too much tea. I see in this the slow revenge of the Orient, which has diverted the Yellow River down our throats.

J. B. Priestley
Our trouble is that we drink too much tea. I see in this the slow revenge of the Orient, which has diverted the Yellow River down our throats.

Ike runs the country, and I turn the pork chops.

Mamie Eisenhower
Ike runs the country, and I turn the pork chops.

Human beings can always be relied upon to exert, with vigor, their God-given right to be stupid.

Dean Koontz
Human beings can always be relied upon to exert, with vigor, their God-given right to be stupid.

I don't sing. If I could sing or dance, I would have done something really gross in a G-string by now - when I wasn't working and was desperate - and ruined my career.

Jason O'Mara
I don't sing. If I could sing or dance, I would have done something really gross in a G-string by now - when I wasn't working and was desperate - and ruined my career.

Taste is one of the five senses, and the man who tells us with priggish pride that he does not care what he eats is merely boasting of his sad deficiency: he might as well be proud of being deaf or...

E. F. Benson
Taste is one of the five senses, and the man who tells us with priggish pride that he does not care what he eats is merely boasting of his sad deficiency: he might as well be proud of being deaf or blind, or, owing to a perpetual cold in the head, of being devoid of the sense of smell.

My theory is that I'm just closer to the sun than everyone else. I weigh more than everyone else, I'm taller than everyone else. When it's really humid and hot outside it's going to take a bigger toll...

John Isner
My theory is that I'm just closer to the sun than everyone else. I weigh more than everyone else, I'm taller than everyone else. When it's really humid and hot outside it's going to take a bigger toll on me.

He's a couple sandwiches short of a picnic.

Lance Bass
He's a couple sandwiches short of a picnic.

I've been delivering these little homilies since 1980 - that's 37 years - and altogether, NPR statisticians tell me, my bloviation total is 1,656 commentaries - and I trust you've hung onto every...

Frank Deford
I've been delivering these little homilies since 1980 - that's 37 years - and altogether, NPR statisticians tell me, my bloviation total is 1,656 commentaries - and I trust you've hung onto every word.

I dress up for awards, but only if somebody else is going to pay for the clothes. And shop for them, too!

Tea Leoni
I dress up for awards, but only if somebody else is going to pay for the clothes. And shop for them, too!

I'm more like a spoon symbol. I think women just want to spoon me.

Chris O'Dowd
I'm more like a spoon symbol. I think women just want to spoon me.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

George Burns
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

My man has to be more intelligent than I am, which is difficult to find. He should definitely be more successful than me, which is not so difficult to find. I'd be a fool to expect a better looking...

Kangana Ranaut
My man has to be more intelligent than I am, which is difficult to find. He should definitely be more successful than me, which is not so difficult to find. I'd be a fool to expect a better looking man than me, which is impossible to find.

I thought Beverly Hills was a gated community. I always drove around Beverly Hills because I thought that there's a guard that was going to stop me.

Madchen Amick
I thought Beverly Hills was a gated community. I always drove around Beverly Hills because I thought that there's a guard that was going to stop me.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

Jack Benny
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

I have an inability to enjoy things, but that's why we're in comedy. If we were happy, we wouldn't be funny, I guess.

Paul Feig
I have an inability to enjoy things, but that's why we're in comedy. If we were happy, we wouldn't be funny, I guess.

I'll promise to go easier on drinking and to get to bed earlier, but not for you, fifty thousand dollars, or two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars will I give up women. They're too much fun.

Babe Ruth
I'll promise to go easier on drinking and to get to bed earlier, but not for you, fifty thousand dollars, or two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars will I give up women. They're too much fun.

To be an Instagram model, you absolutely cannot just post pictures of yourself in a bikini for the sake of people seeing you in a bikini - even if that is exactly what you are doing. No, you need to...

Kat Timpf
To be an Instagram model, you absolutely cannot just post pictures of yourself in a bikini for the sake of people seeing you in a bikini - even if that is exactly what you are doing. No, you need to caption these photos with an inspirational quote so that people will know that you are not just a butt, you're a gosh dang philosopher.

Jim Gaffigan is someone I've always been a fan of.

Genndy Tartakovsky
Jim Gaffigan is someone I've always been a fan of.

Right now I'm just thinking about school and trying to get those grades and keep them up! In case I become a Norma Desmond when I grow up, I can have something to fall back on!

Anna Chlumsky
Right now I'm just thinking about school and trying to get those grades and keep them up! In case I become a Norma Desmond when I grow up, I can have something to fall back on!

After five kids I have seen it all.

Tish Cyrus
After five kids I have seen it all.

Earned a bachelor's at 27, then an M.F.A. that is still completely unused and in mint condition, never taken out of the box.

Daniel Woodrell
Earned a bachelor's at 27, then an M.F.A. that is still completely unused and in mint condition, never taken out of the box.

I am actually a bit chubby, and I eat everything. I eat in a way - if my parents fed me the way I choose to eat as an adult, they would've lost custody.

Hari Kondabolu
I am actually a bit chubby, and I eat everything. I eat in a way - if my parents fed me the way I choose to eat as an adult, they would've lost custody.

I tried being a stay-at-home mom for eight weeks. I like the stay-at-home part. Not too crazy about the mom aspect.

Ali Wong
I tried being a stay-at-home mom for eight weeks. I like the stay-at-home part. Not too crazy about the mom aspect.
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Today Birthdays

1945 - Steve Martin 1933 - Bryce Courtenay 1867 - John Galsworthy 1947 - Danielle Steel 1950 - Gary Larson 1987 - Tim Tebow 1925 - Russell Baker 1952 - Kevin Kelly 1802 - Letitia Elizabeth Landon 1961 - Sarah Brightman 1860 - Ernest Thompson Seton 1930 - Earl Weaver 1982 - Benjamin Cohen 1959 - Magic Johnson 1928 - Lina Wertmuller 1965 - Terry Richardson 1959 - Marcia Gay Harden 1968 - Halle Berry 1954 - Stanley A. McChrystal 1956 - Jackee Harry 1964 - Mark Pocan 1980 - Lamorne Morris 1945 - Wim Wenders 1929 - Louise Slaughter 1981 - Ray William Johnson 1972 - Laurent Lamothe
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