I like banks because they keep my money safe, but I don't want to talk about banks 12 times a year.

Our trouble is that we drink too much tea. I see in this the slow revenge of the Orient, which has diverted the Yellow River down our throats.

Ike runs the country, and I turn the pork chops.

I don't sing. If I could sing or dance, I would have done something really gross in a G-string by now - when I wasn't working and was desperate - and ruined my career.

Taste is one of the five senses, and the man who tells us with priggish pride that he does not care what he eats is merely boasting of his sad deficiency: he might as well be proud of being deaf or...

My theory is that I'm just closer to the sun than everyone else. I weigh more than everyone else, I'm taller than everyone else. When it's really humid and hot outside it's going to take a bigger toll...

He's a couple sandwiches short of a picnic.

I've been delivering these little homilies since 1980 - that's 37 years - and altogether, NPR statisticians tell me, my bloviation total is 1,656 commentaries - and I trust you've hung onto every...

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

I have an inability to enjoy things, but that's why we're in comedy. If we were happy, we wouldn't be funny, I guess.

I'll promise to go easier on drinking and to get to bed earlier, but not for you, fifty thousand dollars, or two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars will I give up women. They're too much fun.

To be an Instagram model, you absolutely cannot just post pictures of yourself in a bikini for the sake of people seeing you in a bikini - even if that is exactly what you are doing. No, you need to...

Jim Gaffigan is someone I've always been a fan of.

Right now I'm just thinking about school and trying to get those grades and keep them up! In case I become a Norma Desmond when I grow up, I can have something to fall back on!

Earned a bachelor's at 27, then an M.F.A. that is still completely unused and in mint condition, never taken out of the box.

I tried being a stay-at-home mom for eight weeks. I like the stay-at-home part. Not too crazy about the mom aspect.

He who does not understand a joke, he does not understand Danish.

I once found myself in Paris, Texas, possibly the most curious juxtaposition of place names in America.

Picasso had his pink period and his blue period. I am in my blonde period right now.

I'm a little bit anally retentive, a little bit OCD, but a whole lot clean.

But I prefer to go to comedies. Give me Julia Roberts smiling anyday.

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.

As a comedian and satirist you have to be neutral, because everyone's fair game. Once you show bias, you lose that.

I just think it would be super cheesy for this Navy SEAL to start singing.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

You know, when you don't go on TV and talk about how many women you sleep with, some people in Hollywood, that are supposedly 'in the know,' start whispering that you're gay. If I were gay, I wouldn't...

My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.

I try and eat really healthy when I'm home, but I certainly don't eat worms and snakes.