"Here's your first problem," he said, pointing at a sentence. "'Religion is the opium of the people.' Well, I don't know about people, but I think you'll find that the opium of pirates is actual...

I always splash on the cologne before a blind date because dogs can smell fear

It had been a big mistake, introducing her to Tavi on one of his visits home. She had fallen hard and made up every conceivable excuse to turn up at our place that week. Tavi had taken it in his usual...

Not a single person has died of boredom reading this book.

Holy crap. Is that an elephant penis?

I'm not going near anything that's going in the crack of his ass!

"You are absolutely beautiful," Anne said. "But if you see yourself, you'll want to pin your hair back like a shepherdess in a bad play." {Eleanor} "Are you saying that I normally look as if I'm...

The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters.

But after dealing with Roy for a while I just wanted to get through the time I'd signed on for, to prove to myself that I couldn't be beaten by a girly-faced, chicken-boned, racist cat.

You know that's why mermaids swim around topless all the time, right? It's because their boobs are too big and all bras are C shells.

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

I don't see how it's doing society any good to have its members walking around with vague memories of algebraic formulas and geometric diagrams, and clear memories of hating them.

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why, Cause Santa Claus might put a cap in your ass.

Why the hell didn't faerie food come with a warning written in bold letters: MADE IN LA LA LAND. EATING WILL OPEN YOU UP TO FAERIE ATTACKS.

I turned into the Greenbrier High School parking lot with a singular mission: figure out a way to keep my brothers from chasing off every guy who seemed interested in me.

Anisette! You will eat your food, not demonstrate aerial warfare across the table with it.

You can give me detention. Oh, wait, that's right... you aren't the boss of me. So I guess you can just bite me. - Dean

If you ever pull a switcheroo like that again, Dee, I'm going to offer your boyfriend ten thousand dollars to make out with Alice for two minutes.

Here's the deal. We go in, you stand there like the asshole you are, and I explain you aren't gay lovers with the pharmacist. Sound good? Dove clicked her blinker on and checked her side mirror. All I...

Every author really wants to have letters printed in the paper. Unable to make the grade, he drops down a rung of the ladder and writes novels.

Yo Mama's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, Sorry, no professionals.

"Is that - am I looking at her beaver?" Mid-swig, I choke on the mouthful of beer, sputtering and coughing. After I recover, I ask jokingly, "'Beaver'? Are you Canadian or something?"

The first miracle Jesus performed was instant winemaking. No wonder people loved Him! He probably received a bunch of wedding invitations after that one.

How do you express a skinny blonde werewolf and a former toad in a cake?

Almost forgot. Can you stop by and feed my fish every few days? And talk to them too. They get lonely when I am not home....

He sat up, going still. "Am I wearing a wife-beater, Lizvetta?" He gaped down. "Oh, come on!" Lothaire

The air smelled like testosterone and manflesh again. {That was a thing, right?}

So that was where we were in our relationship. Derwent's scale ran all the way from wouldn't piss - on - you - if - you - were - on - fire to would - kill - for - you - no - need - to - ask - twice. I...

"It won't be disagreeable," he said. "It can be made quite enjoyable." "Oh, it had better be," she said tartly. "I've heard plenty over the years on your amatory prowess. If I'm not on the roof...

"Hi honey, I'm home! Take your pants off!" Wesley announced. He kissed my cheek as he passed me and put his lunch container in the sink.