"Hi honey, I'm home! Take your pants off!" Wesley announced. He kissed my cheek as he passed me and put his lunch container in the sink.

Transform yourself from desperate doormat to outspoken doormat - wielding proctologist.

I am flagrantly nuts. I can say this because I am a doctor and I know about these things.

We all make mistakes, but intelligence enables us to do it on purpose.

She ignored my observation. This generally happens with me. Show me a woman, I sometimes say, and I will show you someone who is going to ignore my observations.

I'm not tired. I'm just checking my eyelids for holes. It could take a while

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.

'So,' he says. 'When's the big day? Have you set a date yet?'...

"Is there something going on between you and Matias?" "No!" "Okay, I may not have a truck load of fancy degrees but all I can say is… liar, liar, I'm seriously thinking of grabbing my blow torch and...

One should never use exclamation points in writing. It is like laughing at your own joke.

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

If not for me being stoned and clinging to a taco, it would have been terribly romantic.

I like girls who eat Carrots. ~ Louis Tomlinson

I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society…unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool.

Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that. - T - shirt

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Would you mind repeating that? I'm afraid I might have lost my wits altogether and just hallucinated what I've longed to hear.

Progress just means bad things happen faster.

On the way out to the car, Philip turns to me. "How could you be so stupid?" I shrug, stung in spite of myself. "I thought I grew out of it." Philip pulls out his key fob and presses the remote to...

... she bowed just low enough to draw the young man's {Daniel Carpenter} eyes to her décolletage. He flushed and looked away sternly. After a second. Tough to blame the kid. I've been a young man....

"Eragon looked back at him, confused. 'I don't understand.' 'Of course you don't,' said Brom impatiently. 'That's why I'm teaching you and not the other way around.'"

Rollan didn't like when his horse had to walk near a drop-off, as they were now. He was allergic to the whole falling thing.

Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march.

Of all the trees we could've hit, we had to get one that hits back.

No matter what my fucking last words were, please say they were these: 'I have always known that the pursuit of excellence is a lethal habit.'

Tell me about our legal issues. And use small words. I don't like to think at this hour of the morning. It hurts.~Leo to Merripen

Never, ever ask a former clergyman to say the blessing over a holiday dinner. Not if you like your dinner warm, anyway.

"Name three types of olives." "Olives! I wouldn't know one type!" "Well, there are three. You can get green ones, you can get black ones, or you can get stuffed."

Yeah, so if that guy can make it in drunk, surely we can make it in sober. I mean, we're ninjas.

I saw a dog pursuing automobiles; On and on he sped. I was puzzled by this; I accosted the dog. 'If you catch one,' I said 'What will you do with it?' 'Dumb cat,' he cried, And ran on.