"Why, you mean you didn't get abducted and dragged across country purely to make us a story for us to chew over endlessly?" asked Pip, tossing his shock of tow-colored hair indignantly. "The nerve!"

The nice thing about artificial intelligence is that at least it's better than artificial stupidity.

No clowns were funny. That was the whole purpose of a clown. People laughed at clowns, but only out of nervousness. The point of clowns was that, after watching them, anything else that happened...

"Go to bed, you fool," Calcifer said sleepily. "You're drunk." "Who, me?" said Howl. "I assure you, my friends, I am stone cold sober." He got up and stalked upstairs, feeling for the wall as if he...

When I got home I peered down at the lobster to see how he was doing. The inner plastic bag was sucked tight around him and clouded up. It looked like something out of an eighties made-for-TV movie,...

I got an alibi, just in case you think I did it. Tighter than a crab's ass, and that is tight.

Hugh and I have been together for so long that in order to arouse extraordinary passion, we need to engage in physical combat. Once, he hit me on the back of the head with a broken wineglass, and I...

Is there some vital connection between Norman church architecture and the milking of beef cattle of which I am unaware?

"Omigod. He gave you a car?" "He said it was an investment in our working relationship. What does that mean?" "What kind of car is it?" "A new Porsche." "That's at least oral sex." "Be serious!" I...

"That's nice of you, but it's not necessary to loan me a car." "I loan you cars all the time." "And I almost always destroy them or lose them. I have terrible luck with cars." "Working at Rangeman is...

I know what you're thinking. Maybe a fifteen-year-old girl had stolen my phone and was texting those things to you. I'd love to say it's true, but I'd be lying. Please don't think I'm crazy. I mean I...

"Hello, Professor McGonagall," said Moody calmly, bouncing the ferret still higher. "What - what are you doing?" said Professor McGonagall, her eyes following the bouncing ferret's progress through...

You're sort of like the Paris Hilton of wine, Martin had offered. She'd nearly keeled over in horror.

"So, you're hitting on Clare the Fair." "I'm not hitting on her. I'm exploring the possibility of seeing her on social terms." "He's hitting on her," Owen said around a mouthful of chips. "You've...

Oh, yes he does. He's a scientist, and they know everything. Religion is crap," declared Listen."You're the most obnoxious little brat I've ever met.""Both of you be quiet

Let's not have forced gaiety this Christmas, said Nora, like it was a dish. We'll have a tiny bit of it, I said.

… I wonder why she hasn't spread the tale."...

Time plays tricks between here and home, said Mogget sepulchrally, frightening the life out of the telephone operator.

As for you, Private, if you mention a word of this to anyone, I'll feed you to the cat thing here. Understand?Yum, said Mogget.Yes, sir! mumbled the telephone operator, his hands shaking as he tried...

My parents are going to kill me!""That seems rather harsh...

If more Africans had eaten missionaries, the continent would be in better shape.

Human skin hisses like a rattlesnake when it burns.

Just in case you thought elephants were all sweetness, I can attest to the fact that this one had the time of her life scaring the bejeezus out of those dudes.

A classroom . People trying to stick me in classrooms was becoming as predictable and annoying as people trying to kill me, but with less-fun results.

He nuzzled my neck, inhaling deeply. Mmm. You smell so good.Oh, yeah, I said, smirking. I call this new perfume 'Le Jungle grime et tropical BO.' Dirt and sweat. Very sexy.

Uh-oh,' said Gazzy, but Angel was so nauseated she didn't have time to leap to a safe distance, or grab a gas maskBbbbbrrrrrrrttthhhhhhttttttt.'Mother of God, no!' Total cried, doing a fast...

Listen, street punk. You're a guy, and you're a couple inches taller, and maybe forty pounds heavier, and ooh, you're in a gang. But I've survived ten years of Catholic school, and I will cut you off...

I stood my ground. "You evil scientist are all the same--evil. Count me out."Fang and I brushed past Mr. God and walked quickly but smoothly to the exit. It was barely noon, and I'd already made a...

Who, last time I'd checked, was still on our official archenemy list. {Yes, we have to keep a list. It's kind of sad.}

And you're blind?Uh-huh, Iggy said, trying to sound bored.Were you born that way?No.How did you become blind, uh, Jeff, is it?Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they...