Err, sorry Father Abbot. I tripped y'see. Trod on my Abbot, Father Habit. Oh dear, I mean....

I think it's a rule that it's socially acceptable to wet yourself when aliens enter your mind for the first time. If it wasn't already, it is now.

Cover your butt. Bernard is watching.

You frighten me, when you say there isn't time.I don't see why. Christians have been expecting the imminent end of the world for millennia.But it keeps not ending.So far, so good.

If you lay a hand on me I'll ram your testicles so far up inside your abdomen it'll take a heart surgeon to get them out.

So you love me, said Petra softly when the kiss ended.I'm a raging mass of hormones thet I'm too young to understand, said Bean. You're a female of a closely related species. According to all the best...

Dad lost his job. Then he got a new job. Then he got his old job back and went back to it. They were all in the same building.

I think it's good to smile at everybody so that everyone knows you love everyone. It's good for human pacifism.

With hand gestures, you can fill in a lot of gaps, and the words thing and stuff and -ness also help: patientness instead of patience, fastness instead of speed, honestness instead of honesty. With...

Your eyes shine, he said. How do they do that?Blood, she said.

I like to smile at the men who look mean so they know I believe in their better selves. That makes a difference in the world. This is how you might be able to reform a possible rapist without ever...

When we got to the moron who was sitting in the only path to the stairway, Adam caught my waist and lifted me over before stepping over the man himself.Scott? Adam said as we headed upstairs....

KNOW YOUR DOPE FIEND. YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT! You will not be able to see his eyes because of the Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants will be crusted with...

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Yossarian was moved by such intense pity for his poverty that he wanted to smash his pale. sad, sickly face with his fist and knock him out of existence

In short, he was a dope. He often looked to Yossarian like one of those people hanging around modern museums with both eyes together on one side of a face. It was an illusion, of course, generated by...

All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars.

Weddings, I began to understand, were vile, filthy things when they ran amuck.

Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can't get enough of them.

...all members of Congress should be required wear NASCAR uniforms. You know, the kind with the patches? That way we'd know who is sponsoring each of them. I think he was kidding; they'd never be able...

I am something of a connoisseur of the country pile and I must say {he} had done himself remarkably well. At a guess I would say it was from the reign of Queen Anne and had been bunged up by some...

The Red Lion was a four-ale bar with a handful of lowbrowed sons of toil who looked as though they might be related to one another in ways frowned on by the Old Testament.

Don't you make fun of me or my children! Some babies are premature. Mine were all postmature. That's why they're so smart. Their brains had longer to develop.

Hip - Someone who knows the score. Someone who understands jive talk. Someone who is with it. The expression is not subject to definition because, if you don't dig what it means, no one can ever tell...

He opened the first letter, No "Dear Mr. Woods." It was a page full of profanities. There was something oddly refreshing about honest, to-the-point hate mail. No hypocrisy and forced politeness. Too...

If the Lord hasn't got a boyfriend lined up for me to marry, that's his business.

... zebra crossings were rather like Bosnia's "safe zones": places where, if you die, you may simply die with the knowledge that your killer was in the wrong.

If the front door is opened, Barris said, during our absence, my cassette tape recorder starts recording. It's under the couch. It has a two-hour tape. I placed three omnidirectional Sony mikes at...

I did not tell Fat this, but technically he had become a Buddha. It did not seem to me like a good idea to let him know. After all, if you are a Buddha you should be able to figure it out for...

No single thing abides; and all things are fucked up.